Something like this can't be covered in just a single post. I could make an entire thesis on the subject and still have more to say. But yet, here we are. Now I won't pretend that simply having dealt with depression before somehow makes me an expert on the subject any more than being a black person gives me an intimate knowledge of all things African American. Also, depression works differently for different people so what might work for one person might not work for another.
Okay, disclaimer over.
First, I think it's a good idea to talk about what depression is not since so many people, intentionally or otherwise, get the wrong idea.
1: Depression is not just feeling really sad.
Sadness is just a regular emotion. It serves a purpose just like anger, happiness, fear, and the other feelings we have. But more importantly, sadness can be beneficial for a person to help him or her come to terms with a traumatic situation or achieve emotional catharsis. In other words, sadness ebbs and flows like the tide. Depression, on the other hand, is like a swamp. It's mucky, gooey, dangerous, and it's not going anywhere anytime soon. Depression puts your body into a constant state of emotional numbness, making it difficult to feel much of anything. Throughout my own depression, I recalled feeling nothing day after day. Even if something bad happened to someone or if I accidentally hurt myself, I felt nothing. This is one reason why some people end up self-harming. Because to them, feeling pain is preferable to feeling nothing at all. You feel like you're not even alive. You're just existing. Life becomes mechanical as you perform the absolute minimum requirements for survival if you can even manage that. And in that state, suicide becomes a viable possibility just because you already feel like you're dead in all but name. People with depression don't need to feel happy, they just need to feel anything at all.
2: Emotional Support isn't an automatic fix
I'm sure most people know that depression can't be overcome by a simple pep-talk, but it goes deeper than that. When you're depressed, sometimes encouragement can actually be counter-productive. Why? Because of love.
I feel that a quote from the second Guardians of the Galaxy movie puts it best.
"You push away everyone who's willing to put up with you, cause just a little bit of love reminds you of how big and empty that hole inside you actually is."
Since depressed people can't feel anything, they feel unable to give back the love they've received. To them, the person is wasting their time on a lost cause. The longer a person is depressed, the more they feel like they're going to stay that way. So trying to help a depressed person feel better comes across less like trying to help a dirty person get clean and more like trying to return a soul into a dead body.
"If only I wasn't around anymore. Then you wouldn't have to waste time on me. You could do something that's actually productive rather than trying to help a lost cause.'
This is where feelings of being a burden or a parasite come from. Because the depressed person isn't acting normal, they feel like a liability. So many of them (myself included) try to hide their behavior. Those thoughts and feelings aren't important enough to share; they'd just burden everyone who knew about them. Everything gets bottled up behind that all-important, "I'm fine."
Yet at the same time, depressed people have needs too. Because despite what I just said about emotional numbness, depressed people can still desire affection and intimacy just like any other human. In fact, receiving affection and intimacy is sometimes the only way they can keep from being miserable all the time. At that point and speaking from experience here, they're likely to latch onto anyone who shows them the slightest bit of affection and hang onto them like their firstborn child, turning them into their emotional crutch. But naturally, people don't like being used as a person's sole link back to sanity, so such dependent behavior inevitably leads to the crutch-er getting fed-up and leaving and the crutch-ee sinking back into despondency.
It's a paradox. The depressed person is aware of their own thoughts, feelings, and wants but hates themselves for feeling that way. They feel like they don't deserve it and that things would be so much easier if they didn't. I recently expressed the thought that life would be easier if I could switch off my emotions and just be a robot because it's safer. But the truth is that I crave affection desperately, because validating my own existence is very difficult for me as it is for most other people that have struggled with depression.
Ultimately, all the emotional support in the world can't give someone a reason to live if they don't have one.
Excellent post! Very enlightening!