As someone who's struggled a lot with depression and suicidal thoughts, I've learned that on days when you feel at your absolute worst, it can be very easy to fall into a downward spiral, where everything that happens leads to you getting more and more miserable until you wonder why you're even bothering. Getting up in the morning becomes your biggest challenge because you can barely bring yourself to care.
In these low moments, I would often find myself turning to music. I love music. I feel like it can express raw thoughts and feelings far more than mere words can. It's also why I have a weakness for stage musicals, but that's another blog post. Anyway, it was during one of my existential moments that I stumbled upon this song, simply entitled Mended by the artist Matthew West. The best kind of songs are the ones that stay with you long after the actual music has stopped, and this is certainly one of them. So I wanted to take a look at the lyrics and see what makes the song so effective from a spiritual standpoint.
From the very first line of the song, West intends to lift up those who are down. When you see broken beyond repair, I see healing beyond belief. Where you see too far gone, I see one step away from hope. This isn't merely the voice of someone offering spiritual counsel, Matthew has taken the role of God himself. Some might say that having any mere mortal take the role of the Almighty would violate some form of spiritual taboo, but Matthew seems to have bypassed this issue by speaking to the viewer with God's own words. Luke 19 talks about how the Son of Man came to save the lost. Psalm 28 has David call the Lord his strength and and shield. And of course, there's the low-hanging verse of God being our refuge and strength, a very present help in times of trouble.
Matthew continues by illustrating a common scenario for people who've hit rock bottom in one way or another. How many times can one heart break? It was never supposed to be this way. Look in the mirror, but you find someone you never thought you'd see. It's a very sad picture to think about. Oftentimes, people don't realize how bad things have become until their problems come to a head in a singular moment. For me, there were two instants in my life that would qualify, but the second one was more poignant. Long story short, after a wrenching betrayal that left me raw and broken, I became suicidal to the point of actually planning my own death. I started writing the note detailing to everyone why I couldn't stay that was detailed enough to fill almost two pages. I had picked the spot and everything. Our neighborhood was near an overpass that stood above a highway; so when the time was right, I was going to jump off. I figured that if the initial fall didn't kill me, the speeding cars would.
The song goes on. Oh but I can still recognize the one I love in your tear-stained eyes. I know you might not see it now, but lift your eyes to me. God's not obligated to work within our timetable. I've often remarked that our prayers might seem to go unanswered because we're asking Him for a burger and fries while he's cooking filet mignon. But one of the benefits of serving an eternal God is that he never changes while circumstances change all the time. That's why there are so many verses that refer to Him as a Rock, Foundation, or a Shelter even in the worst of the worst, He is a never-ending source of comfort and hope that things will improve. But in times of pain and grief, we often don't see it because we're too upset. That's why it's important to have those verses and promises at the ready BEFORE the crisis happens just like you stock food and clothes for emergencies in advance. He still loves you regardless if you're suffering or celebrating.
And here we comes to the chorus. When you see broken beyond repair, I see healing beyond belief. When you see too far gone, I see one step away from hope. You see nothing but damaged goods, I see something good in the making. I'm not finished yet. When you see wounded I see mended. Healing is a process that can begin at any time. You don't need any preparation or pre-requisites. You just need to realize that you need help and seek it out. People realize that, so they try to make excuses for why they can't do it. Excuses like it's too hard or too late. Waiting will certainly make it harder than if you'd done it earlier; but so long as you're still alive, you still have a chance to heal. Sometimes we need to remember that. Time means nothing to an eternal God. He is always willing to heal you. You just need to ask.
You see your worst mistake, but I see the price I paid. There's nothing you could ever do to lose what grace has won. Sometimes your conscious can be a real jerk. It seems to recall the embarrassing or shameful times you've gone through and plays them back in explicit detail every time. For me, my scenarios include the time I flubbed a speech at school, every time I've been yelled at by my parents, the time I lost a relationship with a really sweet woman, and the aforementioned lowest point from before. But what a lot of people tend to overlook when it comes to Jesus dying on the cross is that his death and resurrection covers sins in the past, present, and future. Once you repent and accept him, you're redeemed for life. And no amount of mistakes can cause you to lose that anymore than you can lose the DNA that made you who you are. So since He's forgiven you, you need to forgive yourself.
So hang on, it's not the end. No, this is where love's work begins. I'm making all things new, and I will make a miracle of you. In both fiction and reality, growth and change tend to happen at low points. All the distractions are stripped away. All of the comfort zones are gone. And when that happens, the only thing that can change is you. God tends to use us the most when we reach those low points because in the grip of despair is when his influence can be felt the most. It's when we stop trying to do everything for ourselves and instead let Him work through us as we always should.
After the chorus repeats a second time, we then come to the most poignant part of the entire song: a series of heartfelt, personal statements of fact from our Heavenly Father. I see my child. My Beloved. The new creation you're becoming. You see the scars from when you fell, but I see the stories they will tell. You see worthless, but I see priceless. You see pain, but I see a purpose. You see unworthy, undeserving. But I see you through eyes of mercy.
Before I continue, read those words to yourself right now, out loud, and let them sink in.
When I worked up enough courage to tell my Dad that I was planning on killing myself, I was terrified thinking about how he'd react. We all came from a family of professing Christians. "Christians weren't supposed to get depressed to the point of being suicidal," I thought, "That meant I didn't really believe God's promises after all." As I mentioned, I spent a lot of time during that period of my life focusing too much on what I was supposed to feel and act rather than how I actually did. My thoughts, goals, and desires were unnecessary and selfish in the face of those of others. And wasn't suicide supposed to be one of the most selfish things one could do? But my father's reaction surprised me. Instead of getting angry or reprimanding me, he took me in his arms, hugged me tightly, and just let me cry right then and there. Then, he booked me sessions with a counselor and took steps to remove the circumstances that had made me suicidal in the first place. If it wasn't for him, a friend of mine who convinced me to tell him in the first place, and the Lord for giving me the courage, I wouldn't be typing this blog post right now.
This is where the song lyrics come in. As my sessions went on, and I made that long, long trek towards recovery, all I could think about was how worthless I felt. Even after the initial scare, I was battling apathy constantly. Everything in me wanted to just give up and die, to the point where I was angry at people for continuing to help me.
"Everyone else gave up on me. Even I gave up on myself. So why won't you give up on me too?"
But even then, God was moving, carrying me through hard moment after hard moment. He saw me, loved me, and carried me through those dark times. He turned these horrific scars into a story that can hopefully help other people just like me. He's helped me use those experiences to strengthen my faith and belief in him, forming a solid foundation that's nearly unbreakable. And one year later, I had completed my bachelor's degree. And I'll soon be heading to grad school on top of that. He turned my pain into a purpose. He helped me regain my hope and gave me a reason to keep living.
God sees me as so much better than I am, and I pray on a regular basis that he'll keep improving me in life. I haven't quite reached the destination yet. But I can definitely say that I'm Mended.
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