Stop lying and telling everybody that you're fine when you really aren't.
The question, 'How are you?' has been a source of great strife for me during my battles with depression. Because that question has a list of acceptable responses you're allowed to give with anything else being instantly dismissed. They range from "I'm great," to "I'm hanging in there," to the lowest possible response, "I'm still alive." At worse, they're meant to bring out a shared sense of sympathy to a fellow worker tossed about by the daily grind. But anything lower than that, and things start getting nasty. Fairly early on, I realized that people don't like being around those who suffer from depression. They don't know what to do, or they don't understand it, so they want you to hurry up and get better so things won't be so awkward. So I clammed up. I hid behind a mask. I bottled everything up behind that all-encompassing, "I'm fine." And it drove me to an emotional meltdown.
In his new song, Truth be Told, Matthew West discusses the common lies that depressed or distraught people use and why we need to stop doing it and come clean to God.
The song hits hard with a gut punch from the very first line. Lie number one: You're supposed to have it all together. And when they ask how you're doing, just smile and tell them 'never better.'
How many times do we tell ourselves that we should have been better? That we can't let our emotions interfere with our lives. That we have to keep it together for [insert person here] and be strong for their sake. We're told, especially men, that expressing vulnerability is bad because it burdens the people around you with your issues and struggles that you're better off keeping locked away forever. But people can't live that way; and if they try, they end up putting themselves under more and more pressure until the volcano erupts. Allowing yourself to cry might not be the most professional thing to do when you're upset, but it's usually the best way to actually process the feelings and move through them rather than bottling them up where they can do more damage.
Matthew throws another hard hit with the next line. Lie number two: Everybody's life is perfect except yours. So keep your messes and your wounds and your secrets safe behind closed doors.
As I mentioned before, whether it's a disability, disease, depression, or some other dire straits, there is a heavy stigma against anything that makes you different and abnormal compared to everyone else. And it doesn't take long for our inner critics to get the wheels turning in our heads.
"Don't tell her you're lonely. She won't care anyway. She'll just think you're a creep."
"They have enough baggage in their lives already without you telling them that you're depressed. Do you want to be a burden to everyone around you?"
"Do you really think you're worth caring about?"
Coming clean with your problems and asking for help doesn't make you weak. This might sound cliche, but it takes a strong person to admit that they need help. Oftentimes, the tiniest bit of emotional support can help push you through to the next day. Especially when two people going through the same issue can help each other move through it.
But truth be told, the truth is rarely told.
Wanna know a secret? Adults lie. Adults lie all the time. Adults lie even when they don't need to lie, sometimes especially when they don't need to lie. And even though the message of telling the truth is so common that even preschoolers can understand the concept, we still manage to convince ourselves that our lie is somehow okay in spite of all of that. To the point where we end up criticizing people that do tell the truth. To help craft these lies, we put on masks in order to conceal aspects of our lives that others would find shameful and make ourselves look better than we really are. With our disguises intact, we can better maintain ourselves in this harsh, cruel world. No one must ever know that that confident, smiling woman in the next cubical over that won five awards last year is actually a nervous wreck suffering from Impostor Syndrome that knocks back five shots of beer every night to keep herself from opening a vein. And no one can ever know. This leads us into the chorus.
I say I'm fine. Oh, I'm fine. Yeah, I'm fine. Hey, I'm fine. But I'm not. I'm broken. And when it's out of control, I say it's under control, but it's not. And you know it.
It's okay to not be okay. One of the great lies of adulthood is that you're supposed to be completely independent, that you have to be able to handle everything yourself, that having to ask people for help means that you've somehow failed as an adult and don't deserve to continue existing. But becoming an adult is a long and strenuous transition where most of the lessons required to reach true maturity have to be learned the hard way instead of just being told to you. Even after reaching a place of stability, you're never done learning. And one of the more important lessons to learn is to admit when you're overwhelmed and ask for help.
I don't know why it's so hard to admit it, but being honest is the only way to fix it.
One of the most frustrating parts of having Asperger's Syndrome is when people that I've accidentally offended stop talking to me, ignore me completely, or flat-out leave the room when I walk in just because they don't want to deal with me anymore. Not only is it completely dehumanizing, but it doesn't actually do anything to solve the conflict I've unintentionally created. The most frequent question that comes to my logically-oriented mind is, "If you wanted me to stop doing that, why didn't you just ask me to stop? I would have." But direct confrontations are too scary for most people even though they're the best way to actually solve the problem. So instead, they use circumvention and avoidance to try and sweep the issue under the rug rather than addressing it outright. It's the same with being honest and telling the truth.
Lowering those walls and allowing yourself to be vulnerable isn't easy. A bad experience in this state inflicts a lot more damage than it would have if the mask had stayed on. But if you don't, then those volatile emotions and damaging thoughts will keep hurting you as long as they stay restrained. And you will never be able to move beyond them and start enjoying your life again. And that is the real goal here, not just to get away from the situation but to allow your mind and body to heal. And that can only happen if you take off that mask and let yourself feel.
There's no failure, no fall. There's no sin You don't already know. So let the truth be told.
Psalm 139 is one big declaration about how there's nowhere that we can go that God won't find us. There's nothing we can do that he won't know about. He knows everything about us before we are even born, because He was the one who made us. To the nonbeliever, that description can be downright terrifying; because for those who do not know of His Love, it paints a picture of an omnipresent, all-powerful entity that can strike you down whenever He feels like it, and that there is nothing you can do about it if He does. But it you flip that perspective around, it also means that God has seen all of the bad things you have done, are doing, and will do from the day you were born until the day you die, and He chooses to love you anyway and offer you redemption and forgiveness. There is no shame in coming clean to God. And you have nothing to lose by doing so. He's a really good listener.
There's a sign on the door that says come as you are, but I doubt it. Because if we lived like it was true, every Sunday morning pew would be crowded. But didn't you say church should look more like a hospital? A safe place for the sick, the sinner, the scarred, and the prodigal.
If you're a member of any type of fandom (Trekkies, Warsies, Bronies, Whovians, Pokemaniacs etc.), you'll probably encounter the term "gate-keeping" at some point or another. Basically, gate-keeping is when someone decides that you need to have a certain level of knowledge of the material, like or dislike certain aspects of the material, or that you have to enjoy the material in a certain way and only that way. And if you don't follow those rules, you'll probably hear something like this.
"You watch anime in English instead of in Japanese? Then you're not a real fan! Get out of here! You have to watch it the same way that I do it, or you're not welcome here."
Some call them elitists. Some call them purists. I call them annoying. Because people like that drag everyone else down and keep potential new fans out of the fandom due to a sense of egotism, arrogance, and entitlement. And despite the fact that they are supposed to accept everyone who comes, many churches are guilty of this kind of behavior as well.
Despite the fact that multiple Bible verses spend time showing that God used the lowest and the weakest people to do great things for Him in the Old Testament and that Jesus spent the majority of His ministry witnessing to tax collectors and sinners in the New Testament, some members of the church are guilty of turning people away that don't meet their standards. One church that I used to go to outright forbade the congregation from partaking in communion if they were living with sin in their lives. But that sort of behavior only drives people away and makes them less likely to confess their sins before God if God's people won't accept them wholeheartedly. This is one of the reasons people wear masks. It's one of the reasons people pretend to be fine when they're not. Because they're terrified that if they slip up even a little, they'll be cast aside like yesterday's newspaper just for letting their vulnerabilities slip through. This is unacceptable. No one should have to keep faking a smile until they break down. Like Jesus says in Luke 5:31, "It is not the healthy that need a doctor but the sick. I have not come for the righteous but to call the sinners to repentance." If God doesn't discriminate against the people He accepts into his presence, then neither should we.
After the chorus repeats, we come to the final words of the song. Can I really stand here unashamed? Knowing that Your love for me won't change. Oh God, if that's really true, then let the truth be told.
Jesus loves you. Jesus loves you. Jesus loves you. Jesus loves you. You don't have to hide yourself away anymore. It doesn't matter what you do or what you say, nothing can stop Him from loving you. He accepts you with flaws and all. You don't need to be okay with Him. You just have to be with Him. And that's the truth.