I've mentioned before how difficult it is for me to form lasting relationships while struggling with Asperger's Syndrome. People that I thought I was close to suddenly didn't want anything to do with me anymore. And each time, it cut deep. But there have also been times where I've been the one doing the cutting instead of receiving it, and that didn't hurt any less. Reaching the point where I've had to cut people out of my life entirely has always been difficult since I pride myself on showing compassion and empathy towards other people as well as being a peacekeeper. So the idea that negotiation and reconciliation aren't always possible comes as a crack in my entire mindset as a human being. And yet, it has happened more than once. Naturally, the sheer amount of emotions from doing that isn't easy to encapsulate, but the closest thing I've found that can is the song Wishes by the former band Superchick.
The saddest thing is you can be anything that you could want. We could have been everything. But now we're not. Now it's not anything at all.
Unless the goal was manipulation from day one, relationships don't usually start off as toxic even after the honeymoon period wears off. Oftentimes, it's a slow fade from an initial peak as the goals and behavior gradually veer off-course. And after it ends, all you can do is think back to happier times and wonder just what went wrong as everything floundered and deteriorated from the grand goals at the beginning. In my case, I thought I had everything too: love, kindness, compassion, appreciation, and one of those people that you feel happy just being in the same room with them. But I now see that that wasn't it at all. That scenario was just what I wanted it to be, and I was too blinded to see the truth until it was too late.
The hardest part was getting this close to you and giving us this dream I built with you. A fairy tale that isn't coming true. You've got some growing up to do.
Admitting that the relationship is toxic also means admitting to yourself that it isn't going to be what you wanted it to be, and that can be one of the hardest things to do. After all, that means you've been wasting your time and effort on something that was pointless at best and destructive at worst. It's even worse if the other person used or duped you in the process; because if that happens, you don't just feel like you've wasted your time but outright violated. It also means recognizing that the person has either wronged you in a way that has inflicted permanent damage and that they're unable or just unwilling to make it right. In my case, the issue was a combination of pride and wrath. I was lashed out at again and again without receiving a single apology or attempt to fix the problem. Protests on my part were met with either halfhearted excuses or more lashing out until I'd had enough. Pride, in particular, is the murderer of several relationships because it renders you incapable of admitting that you're wrong, forces you to find someone else to take the blame, and makes you double down whenever you're confronted. A prideful person has no room for you when they can't see past themselves. And too much pride is also a sign of insecurity and lack of maturity.
I wish we could have worked it out. I wish I didn't have these doubts. I wish I didn't have to wonder just what you are doing now. I wish I didn't know inside, that it won't work out for you and I. I wish that I could stop this wishing and just say my last goodbye.
Even after the initial breakup, all that resentment, pain, and emotional turmoil won't just magically go away. I still struggle to manage it even now. "If I'd only said or done something different. If only things hadn't gone this way. Why did this have to happen? I thought we loved each other." But the truth of the matter is that if the relationship was genuinely toxic, then only the toxic person can change it. And if they could change it, then the relationship wouldn't be toxic in the first place. And being around a toxic person is like secondhand smoking because they make you sick. So as painful as it is to go through, once you reach that final threshold and the last resort has arrived, you need to cut them out like a tumor.
After all the things you put me through, tell me why I'm still in love with you. And why am I, why am I still waiting for your call?
As I said, all those feelings won't just go away. If you were close to the person you had to cut out, then you end up being the kind of person who wants to hug and strangle them at the same time. Sifting through all of those conflicting emotions can be like riding a rollercoaster. One day you're remembering something happy you did together, and then you remember something horrible they did that drove you away. It can take a while to come to terms with what happened.
You broke my heart, I'm taking it back from you, and taking back the life I gave to you. Life goes on before and after you. I've got some growing up to do.
Once all the pieces have been broken and shattered, the time comes to start putting them back together again. You need to re-establish your identity and persona without this person in your life anymore. I'd compare the process to re-learning how to function after the loss of a limb or your sight. Sometimes, external help is required, like emotional support or even therapy. Whatever it takes to get through the process. I like to try and take all the emotions I'm feeling and put them on paper. It can take a while, but it will pass.
It's time I said my last goodbye. Goodbye. Goodbye. It's time I said my last goodbye.
Cutting someone out of your life isn't easy, and it never gets any easier. It's worse for me since I'm a Christian. Since the Bible emphasizes redemption and reconciliation more than it does judgment and punishment (though that's certainly in there too), having to cut someone out of my life makes me feel like I've somehow failed in my faith. I should have said or done something differently for God to heal the damaged relationship. But sometimes, the person just isn't willing to change. If that happens, there's nothing to do but shake the dust off the shoes and leave. Maybe things might change. Maybe God will heal their heart. But I did everything I could. Sometimes, the hardest thing I have to do is leave things up to God instead of trying to do them myself.
Comments