Learning to Live: Turning Tragedy into Triumph

Six brushes with death. Three struggles with suicidal thoughts. One grueling battle with depression as I clawed and scratched for scraps of self-worth. For over eight years, I fought this battle with my very soul on the line. And on March 9th, 2022, this battle finally came to an end.

But first, allow me to illustrate the setting of this conflict. Due to a combination of my parents getting divorced and my struggles with socializing due to my Asperger's syndrome, I plunged into a deep depression through my late teens and early twenties. I had already spent most of my youth dealing with laziness; but under depression's influence, that laziness evolved into the sin of Sloth's more dangerous second form: Apathy. When you're apathetic, you stop caring about everything. Hanging out with friends, doing well in school, and even doing basic things like grooming and eating become a chore under Apathy's thrall. I wasn't suicidal, but I didn't care if I lived or died. And this led to a vicious cycle. I didn't care about my life, which led to me underperforming by my own standards, which led to me getting frustrated at myself for not being good enough, which led to me thinking there was something wrong with me, which led to me diving even deeper into Apathy to keep the suicidal thoughts at bay. Each time, things would get worse and worse. And then, the Asperger's incidents started.

They would happen like clockwork. I would be spending a lot of time being miserable and feeling sorry for myself. Then, I would meet someone who showed sympathy and compassion for me. Things would go well at first; but then, several weeks and/or months later, the person who I thought I'd grown close to would suddenly not want anything to do with me anymore, with me none the wiser as to what had gone wrong in the first place and no clue how to fix the problem in the future. This happened at my old job, where I got written up. This happened at school, where I got reprimanded by teachers. It even happened at church, where I nearly got kicked out of the youth group. And every time it happened, I had no idea how to stop it or what I'd actually done. So, they kept happening. Because my Asperger's syndrome makes it difficult to understand socializing, I assumed that it was to blame and started referring to the incidents as Asperger's incidents. And the two penultimate incidents happened within the same year. A student at grad school that I grew close to not only wanted nothing to do with me anymore, but they outright left the room whenever I showed up. And one of my roommates was so unnerved by my behavior that he actually moved out of the dorm. And I didn't realize what had happened until one of my other roommates chewed me out for it. Naturally, I was devastated, and I relayed that devastation in an email to one of the professors, a doctor named Jason Black who follows this very blog.

I described the cycle as follows: First, I would freeze myself over and treat everyone around me like coworkers. Then, I would go crazy from the isolation and loneliness and attempt to befriend someone. Then, things would go well at first before an incident happened to leave me right back at square one. Then, I'd refreeze myself and restart the cycle anew. And on and on this would go. At that point, I was convinced that it would only end if I got arrested for one of the incidents, if I completely withdrew from society entirely to become a recluse, or if I killed myself.

Dr. Black understood the depths of my pain and offered some words of comforting, telling me that he believed I still had value and that I could overcome this issue with time and proper emotional support. His words help me keep my head up even as I failed in grad school, and they helped me find my purpose in life. But this story wasn't over quite yet.

Enter, WorldofCadence.

In January 2020, I met Cadence while scrolling through youtube videos and found her channel. She has her own youtube channel that focuses mainly on audio work, where she plays various characters that interact directly with the Listener to tell a story or offer them some comfort. At that time, she was taking script submissions from subscribers in her youtube description, so I threw one together about giving medicine to a small fairy and emailed it to her. To my surprise, not only did she accept it, but the video proved to be rather popular, amassing over 20,000 views. Cadence and I quickly became good friends, bonding over our shared love of creativity, and we later went on to make thirteen more of these videos together. I gained a taste of success as my popularity grew while she enjoyed my unique ideas. I thought I had finally broken the curse, especially since we grew close enough for both of us to confide in each other about things outside the channel as well.

But then, in January 2022, It happened again. I got too invasive with my questions and comments, causing Cadence to cut ties with me in a very pointed email that cut far deeper than all of the other Asperger's incidents combined. Describing it as a 'kick to the backside,' she accused me of manipulating her and completely disregarding her thoughts and feelings.

Once more, my spirits were shattered. It felt like even after finding my purpose in life and picking up the pieces after grad school that I would never get past these incidents. But somewhere in the middle of the mire of misery, something snapped inside my head.

"That's it. I'm sick of going through this again and again. I'm sick of feeling like vomit on someone's shoe. I'm sick of having my life torn apart. I'm sick of constantly thinking that there's something wrong with me. And I'm sick of losing friends. I'm going to deal with this once and for all. Because I. HAVE HAD. ENOUGH!"

Clearly, that meant I couldn't do this on my own. I needed help from an expert. Fortunately, one of the benefits of working at Amazon was that I was eligible to receive three complimentary therapy sessions a year thanks to their Employee Assistance Program. And after managing to find a therapist they recommended, our sessions began.

The most important aspect of therapy is being willing to look deep inside yourself at the core of your very being. Because sometimes, you might not like what you see. In my case, I discovered that I had been lying to myself and everyone around me all these years. The Asperger's incidents weren't my Asperger's syndrome at all. That was just how I'd rationalized them to myself. They were just symptoms of the actual illness. There was a tumor in my mind that had been poisoning me for nearly a decade, and it was the root of every problem during that time: the apathy, the depression, the lost friends, the suicidal thoughts, all of it led back to this horrible disease. Diagnosis: Worthlessness. Prognosis: Fatal.

Worthlessness was dominating every aspect of my life. It stole my will to live, made me stop caring about everything, and even twisted the positive aspects of my life into its twisted lens. I kept losing friends because I didn't believe I was worthy of having them in the first place, and would constantly self-sabotage my own relationships. With Cadence, it ended up being a self-fulfilling prophecy. I was so scared about losing her as a friend that my attempts to prevent that ended up driving her away instead. My self-esteem was so low that I would constantly fish for compliments, tell people about my problems, share my stories with them, and do a whole bunch of other things. I would do anything, ANYTHING, to get that reassurance that I wasn't worthless. And that reassurance became an addiction. The people around me became crutches existing solely to prop me up and be my lifeline back to sanity. Cadence ended up being right all along. I had used her, and I had disregarded her feelings. Because so deep under Worthlessness's thrall, I couldn't think about anyone but myself and what I wanted. There's another word for that. It's called Pride. Worthlessness is actually Pride in reverse. Fortunately, while the disease had ravaged my body, there was a cure. Doctor Jehovah-Rapha prescribed a dose of his patented Promises. He assured me that:

1. He will always be with me.

Deuteronomy 31:6: Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the Lord your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you.

Psalm 23:4 Even though I walk through the darkest valley, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me.

2. He loves me.

Romans 8:38-39 “For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.”

3. He is compassionate.

Isaiah 54:10 “Though the mountains be shaken and the hills be removed, yet my unfailing love {kindness} for you will not be shaken nor my covenant of peace be removed, says the Lord, who has compassion on you.

All of this allowed me to finally realize that no matter how many friends I lose, people I upset, or mistakes I make, I can still take comfort in the value I have in Him. And since He never changes, I'll never lose that value. So I don't have to worry about my sense of self-worth anymore. I don't have to seek validation or reassurance from other people anymore. I don't have to constantly search for a reason to live anymore. Because everything I've ever needed, do need, or will need comes from Him. That's what finally filled that void once and for all: the knowledge that I will be loved, cherished, and comforted for the rest of my life. And that nothing will ever change that. I didn't know what love really meant before. But I do now.

After that, I felt like an empty bucket that had been placed underwater. God's love flowed into me and filled me until it overflowed. And once that was resolved, everything else fell into place. That apathy from before was replaced with new zeal for life itself. Mere months later, I did my own clothes shopping, started grooming myself again, got a better car, established an exercise routine that helped me lose 20 pounds, gained several documented positives at work, and completed all twelve of my art commissions for my book, hired my own artist, completed the second chapter of the novel I'm writing. That's more progress in six months than I made in the past eight years. And it's not slowing down anytime soon After nearly a decade of just existing, I'm ALIVE again! So it's time to do some incredible living!

P.S. And in case you're wondering about Cadence, coming to terms with myself also gave me the humility to admit my wrongdoing and ask for her forgiveness. And she not only gave that to me but also, her blessing to strive toward a greater future. So that "kick to the backside" turned out to be a blessing in disguise.