Imagine for a moment that you are an alien hiding out on Earth. You can make yourself look like a human, so blending in physically isn't a problem. But you don't have any instructions or experience on how to act like a human. Because you're not quite like them, you can't rely on your own background to help you. And so, all you can do is observe and repeat.
Every single interaction becomes a test of what little you've learned as you desperately try to pass yourself off as normal. A single incorrect word or one wrong movement and they'll realize you're a fake. You could get ridiculed, bullied, or even reported before you even realize something was wrong in the first place. And you have to live with that possibility Every. Single. Day.
That's what conversations are like when you have Asperger's Syndrome. Thanks to a few visits with someone who specializes with people like me, I've improved quite a bit, but the shadow still remains. And it will stay with me for life.
Asperger's Syndrome is part of the autism spectrum; and in my case, it means I see the world differently than other people do. For one thing, it makes it hard for me to understand if someone's being sarcastic or not. For another thing, I have to make an effort not to take everything too literally. Thirdly, I have to learn things that other people figure out naturally and probably take for granted: like implied meanings from certain word choices, discerning the truth behind an ambiguous statement, or figuring out whether someone wants me to keep talking or shut up without asking them outright. People's body language, facial expressions, or inflection changes don't register naturally and have to be cultivated into my response system. The only thing that normally gets through is the literal words they've said. As you can probably imagine, that sort of issue can be very problematic and even downright dangerous when the wrong people are involved.
For example, I could say things that accidentally come off as completely insensitive or downright offensive, causing people to think I'm a jerk when really I didn't know what the problem was. This is why I tend to try and keep conversations focused on things I can actually contribute to. If someone talks about something I don't know anything about, even something as simple as a television show that I haven't seen, I keep my responses as neutral as possible for fear of setting them off. You'd be surprised what offends people in the Me Too era.
If I could take a vow of total silence without being called rude, I would. I even tried to learn sign language once, but the class wasn't compatible with my learning style.
Maybe some people will think I'm overreacting, and I might very well be. But I hate it when people get upset because of something I've said or done. It makes me feel like a horrible friend. Someday, I hope I'll be able to just say what I mean and mean what I say.
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